Child's Play, The Citizen, November
2018 Patterns of Behavior
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
I knew I wanted to work with children in my clinical life
many years ago. I’ve always had a
passion for children, but as a young intern, I recognized that many problems I
saw in teens and adults that had been festering and growing very deep roots for
many years. Treatment was, therefore,
very challenging.
It isn’t impossible to grow past one’s childhood issues in one’s
adult years, but it is much harder. My
theory is that issues which have not been resolved by the end of adolescence
become life-long issues. These patterns
of behavior and thinking become our default.
If, for example, one has trust issues with significant others (e.g. a
parent) and this issue is not resolved by early adulthood, the individual will
always have trust issues.
Difficulty trusting will also generalize to other
relationships, even if the spouse, girlfriend, or co-worker never did anything
to cause one to question trust.
It is for this reason that children who are abused are
statistically more likely to become abusers and children who witness domestic
violence are more likely to become victims of domestic violence or abusers
themselves. Even when they say, “I’ll
never get in a relationship like that” we know they do.
Part of the reason for this is that we are most comfortable
with what is familiar to us than what is unfamiliar. Perhaps you have traded in an old car you
have had for many years. You know some things
don’t work right and it is old, but it isn’t until you sit in a new car that
you fully realize how worn out and dirty your old one is. It may be dirty, but was your dirt so it
wasn’t as clear to you.
It is also for this reason that even after leaving an
abusive relationship, abused spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends are highly likely
to get right back into another abusive relationship or even return to the
original abuser.
I’ve probably said it before in the 25 years I’ve been
writing this column, but it broke my heart in my early general practice days to
see 50 and 60 year old individuals still struggling over things that happened
when they were 10. How different their
lives would have been if they had resolved the issue all those decades ago.
So I have two petitions for you. First, this should make clear the importance
of your role as a parent in helping your children deal with serious emotional
or behavioral problems when your children are young – preferably pre-pubescent.
It is not uncommon for parents to wait until their children
are teens to seek help. That is
understandable. When they are small we
have so much more control over them and the problems seem so much more
manageable. Yet when they start
experiencing the freedom as well as the potential rebellion of the teen years,
problems are magnified. But by this time
their dysfunctions have become behavioral patterns. Change is challenging.
My second petition is to be a good parent. I know you are trying or you wouldn’t be
reading this column. Don’t excuse
inexcusable behaviors when your children are young. A friend of mine has a son who, when he was
younger, regularly whined and threw tantrums until he got his way. His parents, both good people, regularly
caved to his demands just to maintain peace.
This continued well into adolescence. By the time he was in his mid-teens, his
parents often said to me, “He’s always been this way” as an explanation of his
childish behavior. They excused it at
that point as if it were something genetic when, in fact, they had created it.
When their son went to college, he had an exceedingly
difficult time adjusting to being away from home. His roommate, teachers, coaches, and friends
did not accept his temperamental attitude and his parents weren’t there to bail
him out. Eventually he withdrew from
college, move back home, and to this day he works as an hourly employee at a
local grocery. It is a very sad story
because he was intellectually capable of pursuing his academic and professional
dreams.
So get help for your child early if you need it. And when issues aren’t serious, but they are
potentially unhealthy long-term behaviors, expect more from them. Deal with it now or deal with it forever.
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