It Isn't About You
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
Children are self-centered, but should families be child-centered?
In our house, it isn't uncommon for us to require the last one
to use the kitchen to wash the dishes that remain. "What
did I do wrong?" has been a common retort. "You didn't
do anything wrong. It isn't about you. We are a family and we
share the responsibility of the work. " It often doesn't
seem fair to them that they should have to interrupt their reading,
games, or playtime to work - especially if it was something like
washing dishes that they didn't use.
For fifteen years I've been writing this column and for
more than twenty-five years I've been advocating for children
and working with children in various capacities. I love children
and seek out opportunities to be with them, help them, and advocate
for them. Therefore, it would be easy to suppose that children
should be the focus of every family. Not only have my columns
given a great deal of attention to children, but the pragmatics
of child care make it easy to focus all of one's attention on
children. They need to be fed, clothed, homework needs to be done,
they have athletic events and practices, music lessons, birthday
parties, and the many day-to-day activities of parenting means
that we can easily spend 90% of our time thinking about our children
and what they need.
On top of that, we worry about their futures. We think about
college, careers, relationships, and grandchildren - all years
before they happen. For example, since the birth of my first child,
I've prayed regularly for the parents of the children my daughters
and son will eventually marry.
Even so, it is a mistake to think that children are the
center of the family. They aren't and shouldn't be. For anyone
who has read my work very long, I know this seems to contradict
everything I've always said. Often I feel like I have to make
sure parents focus on their children because we are so easily
distracted with our careers and personal lives that we can forget
that our children are only small once.
But this doesn't mean that we should shift our attention
from our children to our personal interests. Rather we may be
failing to focus attention on the core of the family. I recognize
that there are many family constellations, but for simplicity,
I'll focus on traditional marriage. The center of the family is
parents. Not their personal whims, but their physical, mental,
and spiritual health. If parents are not strong, they will not
be effective leaders.
Think about the instructions we've all heard many times
in airplanes as explain to passengers what to do if the cabin
should lose air pressure. "First, place the oxygen mask over
your own face. Then help your children." The reason is if
you pass out you can't help your kids. You have to be healthy
first.
Parenting is like that. For some reason as a culture we've
come to suppose that we can neglect the very center of our lives,
our personal intimate relationships, and yet somehow still be
healthy enough to care effectively for our children.
I speak to parents almost every day and I've found that
a common fear among good parents is that will make mistakes with
their children. Of course they will! We all do. Yet in our drive
to do it right, we may mistakenly believe that children's wishes
should always come first. While it is important that we meet their
needs, we have to realize that the family is strongest when each
member is strong. The parental figures in the family constitute
the trunk of the tree from which children spring.
Sharing work responsibilities, learning to wait one's turn,
and displaying respect to each other are ways that children learn
life skills, but they are also ways that children learn to be
part of a team - a family. Parental leadership makes up the core
of that team and I suggest that parents work hard at strengthening
that core. Adults need time to discuss the day, time for conversation,
and time to be alone with each other. When parents are strengthened,
the family is strengthened.