It is easy for a column like this one to become a constant commentary on what is wrong with people, places, and things. Therefore, I have some words of encouragement for you. It has been my experience that parents are often doing many of the right things, they just need assurance and confidence.
The parents of most of the children that I work with are well-intentioned. Even when the family is disrupted through divorce or other stressors, I can confidently say that many, if not most of the mom's and dad's I work with have their children's best interest in mind. Sometimes their mistakes are out of selfishness, more often limitations of knowledge, but it is rare that I see a totally hedonistic parent. Perhaps the best statement regarding all the parents I have worked with over the years, whether they are privileged or underprivileged, is that they are doing the best they can with the resources available to them.
It is for this reason that I aver three things. First of all, trust yourself. If you are honest with yourself, you know if you are motivated by selfish desires or your child's best interests. If you can say to yourself that you are seeking what is best for your children, even if you make mistakes (as you will), they are repairable errors. Over time, the genuineness of a parent seeking to do her best shows through. I would suggest that you would not even be reading this article if you did not have your child's interests at least partially at heart.
At least once a week a parent says to me, "This is what I did. Is that OK?". My answer is almost always an affirmative. I have great confidence in a parent's instinct. I provide suggestions to all the parents of the children I see, but it is always their prerogative to move in some other direction. They know their children and our collective efforts usually pay off. I rely on them as much as they rely on me.
Second: Teach yourself. Bookstores are loaded with self-help books. Some are good and some are not. However, most of the popular level books that I've seen regarding raising children are adequate at the very least. Some of them are quite exceptional. Dr. James Dobson, former professor of child psychology at the University of Southern California, is a noted authority on child development and a prolific writer. Available by this author are works concerning discipline, divorce, adolescents, and other areas of interest to families and parents.
Third: Allow yourself to be human. We all err. The mother of one of my children asked me this question: "Tell me honestly. Are your children perfect." Of course they are! And if you believe that I have some land in Florida... My wife and I share the same frustrations and developmental difficulties all parents face. My children have free will. My resources as a child psychologist make it possible that I may make fewer mistakes than I otherwise would, but I certainly am not perfect and neither are my children. Part of the education of our children is for them to realize that it is normal to make mistakes. Our maturity regarding our mistakes is reflected in how we respond to them - not in never making them. The words, "I'm sorry," are great teachers and relationship builders.
I hope this encourages you. As many problems as are present in the children who come through my office, I know that it is through the patience and love of their parents that healing will occur.
