Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
They have been called
helicopter parents for a long time. These parents hover over their
children in an attempt to ensure nothing bad ever happens to them. It all
started with good intentions.
Little was ever said
about children in the old days. They were to be seen and not heard and in
some ways, as has also been true of women throughout much of recorded history,
they were considered second-class citizens.
In fact, the very first
case of child abuse in the U.S. was in New York around the turn of the 20th century.
A social worker discovered what we would call today an abused child, but at the
time, there were no laws prohibiting parents from abusing their children.
There were, however, laws against mistreating animals -- even lobsters.
This social worker went to court, had the child classified as an animal, and
then pursued intervention against the child’s parent for cruelty to animals.
Even into the 1960s,
abused children were not regularly helped because parenting was considered a
private issue socially and by law enforcement as well. But by the 1980s,
a huge shift in attention narrowed the focus of many societal ills in the
direction of neglectful parents.
I don’t totally
disagree, of course. That is why I’ve dedicated my career to helping
abused children. The problem, however, is that the cultural role of
parents became so focused on children that the pendulum has swung the other
direction. Looking back at how I raised my kids, I realize I’m guilty
myself.
I wasn’t a helicopter
parent, exactly, but I was definitely what I’d call a compulsive parent.
I scrutinized every decision based on what I knew about raising children and
was fearful of making any mistakes. For example, I could probably count
on one hand the number of soccer games and dance recitals I missed. I
even felt compelled to attend practices and rehearsals.
I wanted to be an
involved parent and wanted my children to know I cared about what was important
to them. I went to every school awards presentation, parties throughout
grade school and middle school, and every practice, recital, concert, or
game. In retrospect, it wore me out. My compulsiveness was
unnecessary.
Helicopter parents go
beyond attending everything imaginable in an attempt to pacify their
children. These parents are quick to intervene at school, often making
excuses for their children’s irresponsible academic performance or social
behavior. I even see this on the college level. One parent called
me numerous times complaining about his son’s D in a course saying, “We don’t
want a D; we want a B,” despite the fact that his offspring had barely earned a
passing grade.
On the athletic field,
helicopter parents insist on special treatment from their children's coaches,
demanding equal play-time for their children, despite missed practices,
irresponsible behavior on the team, or lack of ability. And at the end of
the season, every kid gets a trophy, no matter how poorly the team played or
how low the team placed in the standings. Such an approach isn’t based on
reality and totally diminishes the meaning of “exceptional.”
When I talk with parents
these days and see exhaustion, I also see myself. I tell them what I
needed to hear back then.
Relax. Your
children will not be in therapy when they are 40 years of age lamenting the one
soccer game or chorus concert you missed. Their lives won’t crumble if
they don’t get a trophy at the end of the season or if they get their feelings
hurt now and then. That’s life and learning to manage it is a necessary
adult skill.
What your children need
from you is an effort that expresses your care for them. They don’t need
to feel that life should always easy for them and that the world revolves
exclusively around them. Families are more than the children.
Individual needs, parental needs, and what is best for the family as a whole
are all equally important.