10 Commandments for Parents
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
A reader suggested that I consider writing a column on "10 Commandments for Parents." It sounded like a great idea, so here it is.
1. Be consistent. Set boundaries for your children
and be dependable. Life has enough surprises. Your children need
to know what to expect from you.
2. Remember children are small. Even teens can feel dwarfed
by your size, your age, and your power. If you are not careful,
you can easily hurt a child's small bones with your powerful hands.
Your size magnifies your anger in a child's eyes and it makes
your voice sound louder than it really is. You can hurt their
developing egos with your powerful voice and attitude. Also, remember
they are still growing. They are learning to recognize and control
their emotions, to control their bodies, and how to relate to
others. This takes many years to perfect.
3. Be patient. Children don't know as much as you do. What
seems obvious to you is not obvious to a child. We experience
this as adults, too. For example, the computer specialist at my
office recently sent out a memo describing the new procedure for
logging on to the network from various places on and off campus.
I'm sure it seemed very clear to him, but to me he may have well
been speaking French. I felt like an idiot asking for clarification.
Children experience this every day. As children develop cognitively,
physically, socially, and emotionally, it will take them less
time to understand concepts and less time to perform tasks. Until
then be patient.
4. Be respectful. Never say anything to a child that you
wouldn't say to an adult. I understand we might speak slower,
use different words, or speak in a different tone when talking
to children. But our attitude of respect should be the same regardless
of the person to whom we are talking. I often use "ma'am"
and "sir" when speaking to children because it models
respectful behavior. I try to avoid sarcasm, a condescending tone,
and belittling remarks.
5. Let your children make mistakes. Everything doesn't
have to be perfect. Water can get on the floor while your child
is learning to wash dishes and he doesn't have to always color
inside the lines. Let your children learn by making mistakes.
Good parenting doesn't mean having children who never make mistakes.
Instead, it is knowing when to intervene and prevent a mistake,
when to rescue a child from a mistake, and when the child will
learn best from making a mistake and suffering the consequences.
6. Be available. Even though it is a cliché, they
are only children once. When you've heard, "Mommy come play
with me" for the tenth time of the afternoon, remember there
will soon be a time when they won't ask anymore. Let the laundry
and the dishes wait. Read a story, go for a walk, or snuggle in
the bed.
7. Be your child's teacher and mentor. No teacher, football
coach, dance instructor, or youth minister can have a greater
impact on your child than you. Take advantage of car rides, trips
to soccer practice, and evenings watching TV together to talk
about life, the news, books, and most importantly, character.
8. Be a good listener. Listen to your children's fears,
cares, and worries. Share their happiness and their sorrows. Don't
try to fix everything. Just listen. Sometimes being a good listener
is the best prescription for healing. There is great comfort in
being understood.
9. Find ways to say "yes." Children hear the
word "no" from their earliest days. Do your best to
say "yes." A friend told me many years ago that he looked
for reasons to say "yes" to his sons rather than reasons
to say "no." That was great advice.
10. Help your child find his or her talents and develop them.
As children grow, they need something external to help them define
themselves. Activities can help us feel worthy and competent.
Whether it is playing piano, soccer, or baseball, or perhaps it
is dance, karate, or scouting. Whatever the activity, help your
child find something that works and at which he or she can excel.
If every parent lived by these Ten Commandments, my practice
might go out of business. What a joy that would be!