Child's Play, The Citizen, June
2018 Discipline with Young Children
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
Over the many years of my work with children, I've seen lots
of children with ADHD symptoms and behavior issues. But the common thread that runs through the
majority of these cases is not biological.
It is social.
Behavior disorders, ADHD, conduct disorder, and other
childhood diagnoses are more often the result of learning rather than something
inherent within the child. While there
is certainly a biological basis to some ADHD children, most have simply learned
what they can get away with.
Recently, a parent asked me about a 4-year-old child. The boy has been exhibiting inattention,
disrespect, and messiness. His seeming
inability to follow instructions led his mother to seek a counselor, hence, my
involvement.
She was a single mother when her child was born and being
very young, she was limited in her maturity and energy. Being a single mom is hard and it should be
no surprise that young, single mothers are more likely to have children
diagnosed with ADHD or behavior disorders.
It makes sense. Older
parents have more experience and patience with young children. Plus, help is more likely to be available in
a two-parent home. Young, single moms
often have neither experience nor help.
Therefore, like almost all children, their kids learn to push buttons to
get their way. Without parenting
experience and with no help at home, it is very easy to give in to children
when they whine, persist, or complain.
Fortunately, intervention doesn't require medication or
long-term therapy. Because most of these
behaviors are learned, they can be unlearned and replaced with more socially
acceptable behaviors.
As is so often the case, this very caring young mother had inadvertently
created the child's issues. So here are
some tips to prevent, or reverse, such learned behaviors.
First, don't try to change all your child's annoying
behaviors at once. Pick one or two
behaviors that are creating the biggest battles and start there.
Next, develop sentence maps that you can use
repeatedly. "I need you to remember
to speak with your polite voice," for example. One child I worked with was a habitual
whiner. I repeatedly said, "I want
to hear what you have to say, but I can't understand you when you
whine." The sentence map never
changes and with the repetition, your child will get it.
Next, you must be consistent. Be willing to invest in this process many
times every day. Giving sporadic
attention to this process dooms its success.
When parents tell me an approach to discipline isn't working, I ask
about consistency. I almost always hear,
"Well, sometimes we forget."
You MUST be consistent.
Utilizing behavior charts can be helpful. A visual representation of how a child is
doing can help him/her to self-manage.
These simple charts are available for free as downloads on the Internet
and can help children track their failures AND successes.
A critical piece of the puzzle that many parents forget is
to catch their children succeeding. It
is much easier and also more pleasant to encourage a child when he/she succeeds
than to punish when the child fails.
"I'm so proud that you remembered to use your polite
voice!" is an example of catching the child succeeding, but it means you
have to be looking for it. Children want
to please us and when we catch them doing so, that is a powerful reinforcer.
Finally, use reminders when you can. "I see that you are very excited. I am hoping you will remember to use your
polite voice," is an example of a reminder. Children are sometimes deliberately defiant,
but often, distraction or forgetfulness is the more likely culprit.
When my children were little and were supposed to be getting
ready for school, I'd often say in a loud voice, "I'm coming to see if
Benjamin is remembering to get dressed for school." Guess what I found when I walked in the
room? He was predictably busy getting
ready.
I've never seen a "bad" kid, but I've often seen children
who have troubles they don't know how to manage. These simple tools can address the majority
of the problems parents have with young ones.
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