I think I've discovered something significant. I did not learn it in a classroom. I didn't read about it in a magazine or a journal. It wasn't on TV or in a movie. I observed it by watching children and their families. What I think I've discovered is a common denominator among healthy children. It isn't about money, nice clothes, or nice houses. I've seen healthy children from both very wealthy parents and very poor ones. They live in all sorts of neighborhoods and attend all kinds of schools. They are white, black, Asian, and Hispanic. Some of them are very bright and some of them border on retardation. Some come from homes with both biological parents and some reside in foster care.
What these healthy children have in common is a significant adult in their lives who invests in them - invests time and energy. These adults are actively engaged in perfecting the skill of leading the child for whom they are responsible. They consider their role as parent, guardian, big brother or big sister, grandma or grandpa as a calling. They perceive it as a responsibility which they are bound to - no questions asked. These parents read books, attend seminars, talk to other successful parents, and work in other ways at perfecting their roles in the lives of the children for whom they are responsible.
These successful leaders understand that leading is like a job. To get better at it you have to work at it. The job involves things that are enjoyable as well as things that are not so pleasant. It is a package deal. One of my former students was a 40-year-old father of three from Thailand. His name was Poyon and he worked on our maintenance crew. Every time I saw him for nearly three weeks one summer he was painting something around the campus. He always seemed to be enjoying his work. I said to him one day, "Poyon, you must really love to paint." His response was, "I have to." He recognized that working - no matter what the job - was his responsibility as a father and he could either complain about it or enjoy it. He chose the later.
Not only have I seen a common thread in the families of healthy children, I've seen common threads in dysfunctional families as well. In these families children are seen as noise makers which are to be tolerated. They are sometimes given everything they want and sometimes their most basic needs are neglected. Parents talk to them carelessly. They insult and humiliate. Sometimes these children are physically abused. Sometimes they are sexually abused. More often, however, they are simply ignored.
We live in a culture where adults are encouraged to be irresponsible. Lawyers tell us that we should "stand up for our rights" if we've been injured. I have never heard a lawyer say that we should take responsibility for our careless behavior. There is no financial reward for being responsible. I actually read recently that a man is suing the dairy industry because there was no warning label on milk cartons warning that dairy products could lead to clogged arteries. Unbelievable!
Some parents treat their automobiles and boats better than their own children. Are you spending more time reading pleasure books and magazines, watching TV, or working in your yard than you are mentoring your children? Do you spend equal energy perfecting your parenting skills as you do perfecting your golf or tennis game? If not, I suggest that you may need to reconsider your responsibilities and priorities.
