Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
Not long ago I was working with a parent
whose son was especially demanding. Ten years of age, the son
had been diagnosed with multiple issues at one time or another,
kicked out of several schools, and prescribed several different
medications over the years. With three other children in the home,
this parent was as tired as anyone I've ever worked with.
Most of us have no clue what it is like for a parent of a special
needs child. Whether it is developmental delay, Down Syndrome,
autism, behavior disorder, or something harder to diagnose (as
was true with the child I am referring to), these children are
often times mentally and physically taxing.
Parents are torn between their intense love and loyalty to their
children and the daily reality of the demanding nature of their
needs and/or dysfunction. I hate to admit it, but as a therapist
there have been times over the years when I've thought, "I
don't see how you do it" when I have watched a parent walk
out of my office with an especially challenging child.
Some parents of special needs children have to pack up lots of
gear before they leave home, much as one does with a newborn,
but this chore never ends. These parents can't just drop their
children in class at church, at a meeting of boy or girl scouts,
or at dance class or soccer practice.
These dedicated parents have to explain
over and over again to various strangers some of the situations
they might encounter with their children, running the risk of
rejection - or even worse - pity. They just want their children
to have fun.
Some of these children might have bladder control problems or
special diets. They may be hard to understand, or they may be
easily angered or upset. For example, peaceful evenings may quickly
turn chaotic over the simplest of issues.
Most children learn how to manage their frustrations and difficulties
as they get older, developing coping skills that most parents
take for granted. But some children with physical, emotional,
or developmental issues will never fully garner that skill.
These parents sometimes are not invited to parties or included
in social events because people either don't know how to behave
around them and their children or because they don't want to be
troubled. It is lonely to be excluded.
Even when invited, finding a babysitter who can manage a special
needs child's specific issues is such a challenge that some parents
quit trying. In other words, they never have time just for their
own relaxation, marriage care, or respite from the day-to-day
business of life.
Even when they find a moment of quiet during the day while children
are away, these parents dread to hear the phone ring, knowing
it may be the school calling with some issue. Some of the parents
with whom I have worked, especially those with behavioral disorder
children, are literally called nearly every day by an administrator
or teacher from school.
I have seen some amazing parents with endless patience, but even
the best parents get tired. You can help. Offer to babysit or
to drive other children to dance practice. Perhaps you could make
a meal here or there. Sometimes just offering adult conversation
may provide a bit of comfort during the day.
Some people feel awkward and don't know how to address a special
needs child. A wheelchair, braces, or autism are not contagious;
parents really just want you to respond to their son or daughter
as you would to any other child. Smile, say hello, and include
him or her when you can.
Don't treat these children with pity or disdain. Don't feel required
to compensate. These children want a normal life, too.
So be a good listener. Help as you have opportunities. Invite
them to parties. Be patient. We all want to be loved and accepted.
The world is a cold and lonely place when we are stressed and
we feel as though we are facing it by ourselves.
But if I could pick just one thing I think most parents of special
needs children might appreciate, it would be that you understand
them. Seeing that you get it - that you have at least an idea
of how challenging life can be - may be enough.