I was going through some articles I have collected on parenting the other day and I came across an article that was a collection of thoughts from fathers. Most of these short discourses were letters of regret. They had been too busy when their children were young and by the time they realized their children were growing out from under them, it was too late to make any significant relationship changes. It was an interesting article, but the advice to readers from these fathers troubled me.
Most of their closing comments went something like this. "Spend time with your kids because before you know it they will be grown. Enjoy them when they are small." I don't disagree that this is important, but I think this logic is indicative of the way our culture treats children. People who have birthed children out of wedlock or who are raising their children alone will tell you how much joy these children bring them and how glad they are to have them. When we look at the perspective of these examples, it tells us something about who we are and the value we put on children.
In the above examples, adults address their comments from a very egocentric perspective. If your kids grow out from under you it makes you sad. If you don't spend enough time with your children when they are small you won't have a relationship with them. Even though your children are growing up without a father they bring you joy.
What is in the best interest of the child? None of the letters in the article I mentioned said anything like, "My child had to go through life without me because I was too busy and here is how it was detrimental to him…" More often than not, the courts, the media, and even individuals, deal with children in this egocentric fashion.
Children do not exist solely to amuse us, but you would never know that by the way we talk about them. I have worked with a number of children who were in the middle of custody disputes. It is very rare that the court even asks what is best for the child. Unless a child is being physically abused, parents almost always have rights. Some judges will ask a child what he or she wants, but even then, the law is on the side of the adults, regardless of the wishes or best interest of the child.
So what can we do? My suggestion is that we have to change the way we think about children. They should not control us or our decisions, but our decisions should be based on what they need. Many people have found talk show hostess Laura Schlessinger to be abrasive and controversial, but I appreciate the message she sends about children. If parents live far away from their children she says, "Move closer." "But I have a job," a caller will say. "Quit that job and get another one closer to your son," is often her reply. Adults don't want to be inconvenienced by a child's needs and they are very good at pretending they don't even know what those needs are.
Every decision we make about our children - to move or not, to take a given job, to work certain hours, to spank or not to spank - should always be based on what is best for the child and not based on what is entertaining or convenient for us. Instead of looking back and saying "I could have enjoyed my children so much more" we will be able to say, "I am so glad I gave up a few thousand dollars a year so that I could give my child what he really needed - me."
