The Secret Society of Parents
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
The Secret Society of Parents is called to order. As you members are all aware, children suspect the existence of our organization. For years they have accused us of conspiring together to make their lives miserable, but so far we have been able to elude their detection. I commend you on your ability to maintain our secrecy.
Our purpose is to find ways to ensure that our children are as unhappy as possible. Through our collective ideas and experience, we are able to concoct new and innovative ways to ensure that if happiness ever crosses our thresholds, it doesn't stay long.
I would like to summarize some of the accomplishments of our organization during the past year. 'The Brainstorming Committee For Misery" has submitted their recommendations for your consideration. They are certain that the following ideas will be guaranteed to bring misery to children. Their recommendations for young sons include forced baths every other night, use of Q-tips once a month, and use of toothpaste when brushing teeth. Ensuring that your sons wear clothes that match was also presented as a good way to displease young boys.
The Committee's recommendations for girls include limiting telephone time to two hours a day, limiting Internet surfing to sites approved by parents, and requiring teenage daughters to introduce their dates to you before they go out. Both genders can easily be irritated by asking for their help with household chores.
The "Committee On Parental Free Time" reports that their recent survey showed 99% of all Society parents spend 99.9% of their personal time driving children to soccer practice, girl scout outings, football games, and social functions as well as attending recitals, awards ceremonies, and athletic competitions. Only .1% of the respondents admitted having time for a personal hobby during a normal workweek and no respondents reported having any social life with friends. But as we all know, parents derive no personal pleasure from these events anyway.
The "Committee For Parental Finance" reports that sales of money trees is skyrocketing. If you ordered money trees, please pick them up as soon as possible. The committee reminds all members that children should NOT be made aware of the existence of the money tree that we all use to fund ski trips, vacations, band camp, restaurant dinners, movie tickets, an endless stream of presents for an endless stream of birthday parties, daily expenses, gas for the family taxi, new clothes, class dues, yearbooks, video games, satellite TV, cell phones, and…well, you get the idea.
The "Committee For Society Conduct" reports that Mr. and Mrs. T.S. Smith were placed on probation. Apparently the Smith's inadvertently pleased all three of their children for nearly an entire day. Even though this was accidental, the Smith's were notified that in the future they should pay closer attention to the recommendations of the "Brainstorming Committee For Misery."
The "Committee For Society Advancement" discussed the possibility that it might actually be easier for parents if they would not bother to care about their children. A motion was made that members should begin ignoring children, letting them eat whatever they wanted, and letting them go wherever, whenever, with whomever they wanted, might actually be pleasing to parents, but this motion failed to receive a second.
The "Committee For Society Education" is planning to offer several continuing education classes in the coming year. Some highlights are "How to Make Good Food Taste Bad On Purpose," "How to Pick A Restaurant Nobody Will Like," and "Ensuring That Even a Vacation to Disneyland Can Include Complaining."
Don't miss our next meeting at midnight on October 31. Make
sure your children eat no more than a pound of Trick-or-Treat
candy and limit their "take" to only one grocery bag.
Until next time, don't forget our motto for our children: Have
an unhappy day and an even more unpleasant
tomorrow.