My 4-year-old son and I were running an errand together the other day. As we made conversation with one another, he said, "I love you and mommy a lot." I asked him how he knew he loved us. "Because I draw you pictures," he said. "Do you feel anything inside your body that tells you that you love someone, Benjamin?" I asked him. "Yes," he said, "I feel happy."
This brief conversation with my son demonstrates two important principles in understanding emotion in children. First, his comment about drawing pictures is indicative of a child's understanding of emotion only as it pertains to behavior. From a child's perspective, his interpretation of emotion - either his own or someone else's - is directly related to action. Therefore, if the child feels a negative emotion, like anger, he will follow that emotion with an action, like hitting something or throwing an object. Not until the child is six or seven will he begin to think about and articulate his emotions and select an appropriate demonstration of those emotions. The child interprets the behavior of others in a similar way. For example, if a parent punishes the child, the child interprets the parent's behavior as anger, sadness, or dislike and he will personalize those emotions, believing the parent dislikes him. Young children cannot fully separate behavior from emotion. Frankly, I'm not sure that adults always do that very well, either.
As parents we must not only watch how we express our emotions around our children and we must also recognize the emotion a child is trying to demonstration through his behavior. When my son does something special for me, his purpose is not only to seek approval and acceptance, but he is also attempting to express his emotional state. I broke my leg recently and a number of times, Benjamin has volunteered to hand me my crutches. By doing this simple task for me he is demonstrating his affection for me. Once or twice, instead of saying thank you, I have said, "Benjamin, I can see how much you love me because you like to get my crutches for me." The look on his face told me that I was right.
The second thing of significance in this interchange with my son regards his response to my second question. When asked if he had an internal feeling related to his emotion, his only word was "happy." A few days before this conversation he told me about a friend whose pet had died. I asked him how he would feel if his dog died. "Sad," was his response. Prior to age five or six, children understand only the four most basic emotions - mad, sad, glad, and afraid. You will never hear a four-year-old say, "I'm frustrated" or "I'm depressed." The child cannot understand the combination of emotions that create frustration or depression - anger, sadness, irritation, fear, and other emotions.
What this means to us as parents is that children may often be at a loss to express themselves emotionally. Sometimes, even adults experience a mixture of emotions to the extent that they are not sure how they feel. Children live with this sort of confusion on a regular basis. Helping a child recognize and deal with anger, hurt, frustration, confusion, or other emotion involves helping the child learn labels for those emotions. Paying close attention to the child's behavior can help the parent help him interpret his emotions. One very helpful tool I use in therapy is a chart full of different cartoon faces. Each face expresses a different emotion and the label for the emotion is written beneath it. This feeling chart helps children identify with a face and then learn what that emotion is. It is interesting how quickly they can learn that they can experience several emotions at one time.
Watch your child's behavior carefully and occasionally respond to the emotion his or her actions imply. Doing so will help your child form labels, recognize his or her feelings, and also give him or her the satisfaction of communicating his thoughts effectively.
