Family Dinner Time - January 2005

Supper is the one meal of the day that my family almost always eats together. Because of school, work schedules, and other interruptions, lunch and breakfast can be chaotic, but at suppertime, we shut off the television, we sit around our table, and we eat together. During our meal my kids tell about things that happened at school, we talk about family activities, and sometimes we reminisce and tell stories about each other. Other times mealtime is quiet, but it is almost always a peaceful time in our household that we rarely interrupt with arguing and I never use dinnertime as a forum to bring up things that my children have done wrong that need my attention. I love suppertime with my crew and when someone is missing, it is noticeable.

Several times over the past few years I have seen research studies that have shown a relationship between healthy families and those families who eat supper together. Many of these studies show that teens have fewer problems, siblings get along better, and marriages are stronger when families eat supper together on a regular basis than for families who do not. Unfortunately, these studies present the impression that if your family eats supper together, problems sort of solve themselves. This misunderstanding leads people to perceive suppertime as a cause instead of symptom of healthy families. In reality, healthy families are more likely to eat together on a regular because they get along, not the other way around. These families regularly engage in many of the behaviors that strengthen family ties. Dinnertime is just one more place to practice those behaviors.

Families who regularly eat together also communicate regularly with each other in a more healthy fashion than in families who do not regularly eat together. Mealtime is just one more place where they show interest in each other, talk about their activities, and share stories with each other. During a meal, people are more likely to make eye contact with each other. This is an important part of being a good listener. All of us need time to be heard and being heard validates us. In other words, in these healthy families, mealtime is a time where family members are allowed to express themselves. This helps them to feel important and needed. At the same time, when they are listening instead of talking, they meet this same need for others. Yet these families don't just communicate at mealtime - they do it at other times as well.

Repeatedly, the research has demonstrated a relationship between family closeness and how much time families spend talking with each other. Even though dinnertime is a good time to do it, it is the closeness and communication that breeds healthy relationships, not eating supper in and of itself.

So if you don't have schedules that allow you to eat dinner together, don't worry. Instead, make sure you find time to communicate regularly with the members of your family. For example, taking a walk as a family is a good practice. The exercise is good for everyone and fresh air is healthy even in the winter. Contrary to popular belief, cold air does not cause colds. In fact, staying in a home with stale air where germs may not be circulated out of the house for many days actually increases the likelihood of colds. If the weather is bad, play a game together as a family. Another great exercise is to watch home videos or look through family albums together. Oddly, most people take lots of home videos and photographs and then those images are kept in a closet and never enjoyed.

In our harried worlds, it is easy to spend most of our mental energy working, taking care of the home, and rushing through our schedules. Forcing yourself to make time to sit and eat with your family can force you to slow down and enjoy life. More importantly, this time can force you to focus your attention on your family. However, learning to be a good listener and communicating regularly with your family is more important than eating together. Communication, especially listening, validates your children and lets them know they are important to you.

(Dr. Moffatt is a child therapist in private practice, author of "The Parenting Journey" and professor of psychology at Atlanta Christian College.)