"I hate practicing the piano!" How many times have you heard that? One of the difficult questions parents have to address is what to do if a child wants to quit an activity before its scheduled termination. Most of us recognize that it is important to teach children to follow through with activities once they begin, but we also do not want to frustrate them to the point that they hate the activity and dread the time they spend doing it. For example, a child who is playing on a basketball team may decide mid-season that he does not want to play any longer. The dilemma for the parent is balancing the child's commitment to the team, the need to learn to follow through with a commitment even when one is not enjoying the activity, and the mental well being of the child. I suggest several steps in making this decision regardless of whether the activity is a sport, music lesson, scouting, or some other recreational activity.
First: as always, consider the child's age. Very young children, especially preschool age, lose interest in activities very quickly. Children of this age should not be allowed to even begin an activity unless they have asked about it many times. That provides evidence that their interest is not a whim. Yet one can expect that in the process of finding the right "fit," children may try several different activities over the years before they find what is right for them. Unless they are completely miserable, I suggest that the child continue with the activity until a recognized break (tuition due date, end of the season, or something of that nature). Then they are free to try something else.
Second: determine why the child wants to disengage. Many times, children will not give you the real reason up front. It may be that they simply do not enjoy the activity. On the other hand, they may have been called down or embarrassed by a coach/director or other participants may be teasing or threatening your child. It could also be that the child had a bad day at the event, feels incompetent, and is embarrassed to go back. Tragically, it is also possible that an adult or an older child is physically or sexually harming your child. Child molesters do what they can to get in positions of power over children. They can easily do this by volunteering to be a coach, youth worker, or scout leader. I would never jump to the conclusion that this is why my child was unhappy, but it is a base to cover in seeking a cause.
Third: support your child in his or her activity and choices, but do not push too hard. Your children may have lost interest because you do not seem to hold any interest in what they are doing. On the other hand, do not make them pursue an activity just because you 'think' they should like it.
Fourth: determine the level of stress the activity is causing your child. All of us will have times where even pleasurable activities require work. We may not feel like practicing, but we know that in the end we have more fun than displeasure. If it becomes evident over time that your child's displeasure is exceeding his or her pleasure, then it is not the right fit.
Fifth: do not over schedule your children. One or two activities is plenty. If your children are on the go every night of the week, they probably are over scheduled. Between school, church, and recreational activities, your children should have plenty of free time to play.
Finally: make the decision to quit final for the present. When children quit an activity, they must know that they cannot pick up again on that activity any time in the near future. A year or two later is OK, but allowing your children very quickly to get in, out and in again will teach them that they can quit when the going gets tough and then reengage to enjoy the pleasurable part of the activity.
We have three children at our house and I recognize these decisions are much more complicated than I can fully address in this column, but I use these guidelines myself and I have found them to be helpful when assisting other parents as well. Sports, theater, and music are important parts in the development of a child's esteem. The right fit between the activity and the child makes for a stronger, more secure child.
