I never cease to be amazed at the power that parents have over their children. I do not mean power in the sense that they are stronger than them, neither do I mean power in the sense that they can make them do things. I'm talking about the kind of power that parents have even when they do not know they have it. This power causes even adult children, long after their parents have died, to wish that their parents could see some accomplishment. This is long-lasting power.
I am coming to believe that one of our natural drives is to seek approval from our parents. It starts when children are just toddlers. They bring us pictures, show us things they have constructed, and tell us of their accomplishments. They seek not so much for us to see what they did, but that they want us to be proud of what they did. Even into our later years, we are still thinking, often unconsciously, about what our parents think of us.
I have a difficult time convincing my adult clients of this truth. They often come from very dysfunctional homes. Their fathers and/or mothers were cruel people who never expressed love, interest, or concern in these clients during their respective childhoods. Therefore, these clients are resentful and angry. They try to tell me that they don't care what their parents think. But if they don't care, then why are they spending so much energy thinking about it? They do care. Deep down, what they want to hear from their parents is , "I love you" or "I'm proud of you." Most of them, though, won't ever hear these words. They deal with that fact by pretending it does not matter. Growth requires that they admit this desire and accept the unfairness and pain of that truth.
The application of this knowledge requires that parents consciously work to display their love and interest in their children. When my children tell me about something they have done, I not only listen to the details of the event, but I try to determine what it is they want from me. Most often, they want to hear me tell them I'm proud or that they have done something good. Therefore, I may say something like, "I am so pleased with your grades because I know you worked hard. I am very proud of you for the work you have invested." Other times, I might simply say, "I really like the picture you have drawn, but I want you to know that I would love you even if you couldn't draw at all."
I use this process in one form or another as a motivator for my clients, both children and adults. It also works as a motivator for some of my college students. Odd as it may sound, I know that some of these people accept praise from me as a substitute for the encouragement they never received from their parents.
I know it is possible that at some point in their lives my children may question my love for them. When they are fifty years old they may wonder if I was proud of them, but I feel confident that I will not have to look back and wonder if I told them enough. Of course, I don't want my words to be hollow because they are too frequent, but reassurance is usually a good thing. My children will believe because they have heard it five million times from me and they will have seen my love for them in my behavior.
