I've written a number of columns over the years about discipline, but I have not spent as much time on what I believe is a deeper and perhaps more important issue. How one disciplines her child is a matter of process. To spank, put the child in time-out, withdraw privileges, lecture, or some other technique is simply a procedure for executing a mindset. I don't have a problem with spanking if it is done in the appropriate way and applied to certain specific behaviors. Therefore, it is the philosophy of the parent toward the child that drives the process. It is that philosophy that I would like to address today.
As a child psychologist, as well as a father of three, one philosophical issue rises above all others most of the time when I am trying to decide how to deal with children. That issue concerns respect. We parents expend a lot of energy teaching children to respect others, but I think we fail to return the favor. Respect does not mean that children should always get their way and it doesn't mean that they are not accountable for their behaviors. It means you treat them as you would like to be treated - sort of the "golden rule" applied to parenting.
Let me give you an example that might demonstrate my point. When I was a college administrator I was responsible for several people, among them my secretary. She was older than I and had been a part of the college longer than I. Even though she was my secretary, I never called her that. I always called her my "colleague." I deliberately used that term, not because she wasn't my secretary, but because she was my colleague. Using that term reminded me that I couldn't get much done without her help and I believe it conveyed an attitude of appreciation and respect to her. I never wanted her to think that I thought of her as "beneath" me. Even though in the office hierarchy she was my underling, in the process of doing "our" work, she was my teammate. I believe that was one way I respected her even though I was still in charge. I rarely commanded her. I usually said something like, "If you have time, I'd like to have this done by the end of the day." She knew that meant I needed it and she also knew that she really didn't have much choice, but I respected her as my elder and colleague by phrasing my request in a respectful tone.
In my opinion parenting works the same way. I teach my children, discipline them, and hold them accountable. Even though they know I am the final authority I always try to think about how I would like to be treated if I were in their shoes. Of course, you have to adjust your words as determined by the child's age, but I try never to speak or act disrespectfully to my children or anyone else's. If they are speaking, I don't interrupt. If they are telling me about some event that was not all that interesting to me, I listen politely just as I would with a business associate who was telling me about an event I wasn't really interested in. I don't always cater to their requests, just as I didn't with those who worked for me. If I have to decline some request, I do it respectfully and with an appropriate explanation.
My "colleague" and I worked together for over a decade. We built a relationship and even now, when she is in no way accountable to me, she still helps me when I need it. I believe one reason is because we are colleagues and I treated her that way for many years. I trust that when my children are grown they will see the purity of my motives and the philosophy that drove my behavior. Even though they will also see my mistakes, they will know they were made with the best intentions because they will know that I respected them.
