Several years ago while I was speaking on the topic of parenting to a group of parents, one woman raised her hand to ask a question. Her question was this: "My 16-year-old daughter won't get off the telephone when I tell her to. How do I make her get off the phone?" My response to this woman was that she had problems with her daughter that went beyond getting off the telephone. "If you want her to get off the phone," I said, "pull it out of the wall. That will get her off the phone. The real problem, though, is your daughter does not respect you. That is much harder to fix."
I've used this story many times over the years as an illustration of what happens when parents cultivate an environment of disrespect. When a young child disrespects a parent, he may throw toys or tantrums, but basically his actions do not seem all that significant. It is easy to excuse them. However, if this child's behavior is not properly addressed in early childhood, when he becomes a teenager he will use the same strategies of defiance. However, as a teenager, his behavior will be very difficult to overlook. He may refuse to adhere to curfew, use alcohol or other drugs, engage in illegal activities, or do other things deliberately to defy the parent he has learned to disrespect. By this time, it is very difficult to make changes. In my private practice I work mostly with children ages 3-10. The younger they are, the more I enjoy them. Young children are also more pliable. When I can intercede with parent/child relationships when the child is still young, it is much easier to alter a course that may be leading to trouble in the adolescent years.
Some of you are reading this realizing that it is too late for you and your children. What now? Remember I said this situation was more difficult to correct - not impossible. The first thing to do is reestablish control. One advantage you have with adolescents over young children is that they are more verbal. You can simply say, "Things are going to be different. I know I've allowed some things in the past, but starting today, these are the rules." Follow that with a brief explanation about what the new ground rules are, what you expect from your child, and what the consequences are for failing to follow the rules.
The next step is the harder of the two - follow through. When an adolescent is used to having certain freedoms and those freedoms are suddenly taken away, he won't like it. He will test you to see if you really mean it. You can also expect that he won't believe you. He will assume that if he pushes hard enough you will eventually give in. You have to follow through as you said you would. At some point your child will realize that things are, indeed, different. Over time, respect will follow. Remember, though, you are trying to correct over a decade of learning. Be diligent and patient.
A third option may be necessary. Sometimes relationships at home have digressed to such a state that the family is practically incapable of dealing with it alone. Other times, parents may not be able to see objectively and are blinded to their weaknesses or they need ideas tailored to their circumstances. In cases like these, I recommend professional mediation with a counselor who works with families and adolescents. Three or four visits to a counselor may set your family on course for a much more harmonious life together.
I do most of the work on my car and home myself. I enjoy "How To" shows, but they frustrate me when they make a very difficult task look too easy. I recognize that my suggestions are easier to write than to practice. These three solutions will not solve all your family problems, but I can assure you that they can at the very least, point you in the right direction.
