Parenting Habits
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
Hundreds of children have passed through my office doors over the years and I've worked with hundreds more through schools and other organizations. Many of the presenting problems for those children can be reduced to behavioral issues - they were doing something that adults didn't like or they were not doing something that adults wanted them to.
Several disorders that appear during childhood can explain some of this defiant and/or inattentive behavior. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Asperger's Syndrome, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), and autism are just a few. While these disorders exist and sometimes they are the appropriate diagnoses for children, by far there is a more common reason for the behavior parents and others see in these children. That reason is habit.
All of us learn how to behave, at least in part, by how others respond to our behaviors. For example, think about the way people drive. Everyone knows the speed limit on the Interstate is 55 in most places around Atlanta, yet almost nobody drives 55. Why not? Drivers have learned that they can easily drive 5, 10 or even 15 miles an hour over the speed limit and nothing happens to them. Like many of you, I have even been passed by a patrolman when I was driving 65. Therefore, many drivers consider it "driving the speed limit" if they are driving 65 even though the posted limit is slower than that. In short, 55 doesn't mean 55.
Kids are the same way. When we set a rule, if we don't enforce it consistently or if we don't enforce it at all, they will learn that we really don't mean what we said. If we do this a lot, especially in multiple contexts or with multiple rules, children will begin to learn that we don't mean anything that we say - even when we really do.
I was in India two years ago on business. Each evening I went outside my apartment and played with some neighbor children in front of our building as the sun went down. One night I heard this one child's mother come to the balcony and yell for him to come inside. He ignored her and continued to play. I felt somewhat responsible for him since I was the only adult outside so I asked him if he thought he should go on inside.
He said, "Oh that wasn't the voice that means come in now. She has only told me once."
He had learned that when mom said, "Come in," it was as if she was really saying, "I'm going to tell you several more times to come in. Each time I tell you I'll sound more angry. This is just the first time." Because of this behavior, even if his mother wanted him to come in on the first call, he didn't know to believe her words.
This example may seem trivial, but it can have huge ramifications for children. If children generalize that grownups don't really mean what they say, imagine how that creates problems at school where a teacher does, in fact, mean what she says the first time. The child who is habituated to some other form of behavior looks inattentive, defiant, and oppositional when, in fact, he is just doing what he has been taught.
Changing this pattern means saying what you mean and following up on what you say. If you have established a pattern of not meaning what you say, your child won't like the change at all. Imagine if the State Patrol suddenly started enforcing the 55 mile per hour limit on all Interstates, people would be furious. They have gotten used to the faster speeds and even though they know the speed limit hasn't changed, the enforcement of that limit would make them very unhappy.
Likewise, expect some resistance at first, but with consistency,
love, and effort, you and your child will both learn more effective
ways to communicate and in turn know what to expect and how to
behave.