Four Common Parenting Mistakes
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
In two decades of practice, I have seen almost everything,
both the good and bad in parental behavior. By far, most of the
parents of the children I've worked with, even the ones who have
abused their children, were not evil people. They were often good
people who deeply loved their children and they were doing the
best they could within the limitations of their training and understanding
of children. Even the best parents make mistakes - we all do.
Other than deliberate abuse, neglect, and abandonment, the most
common mistakes parents make can be grouped easily in to five
categories.
The first is selfishness. Parents make the decision to move,
divorce, remarry, or change jobs based on what they want or what
they want for their children without ever seriously considering
what is best for the child or what the child wants. Parents assume
that children's wishes are somehow less important than grownup
wishes. I recognize that children have wants and desires that
change frequently and clearly adults can make more logical decisions
than children. I'm also not suggesting that parents defer their
decision making to their children, but when it comes to wishes
- wishes are wishes.
Why should a parent's wish for a new job in a new city outrank
a child's wish to stay in the same school and keep the same friends?
These are big changes that can have a dramatic impact on all of
us. In fact, adults have better skills to cope with their unfulfilled
wishes than children. That should make us even more likely to
consider their thoughts on big decisions.
This is especially important when it comes to "things."
Parents may think that a new job in a new city will bring more
money so the child will be happier in the long run, but money
cannot buy your child happiness. Cars, clothes, and spending money
don't buy happiness - people and relationships create happiness.
Yet parents spend hours at work in order to give their children
things when, in fact, their children more often would prefer to
trade nicer things for a parent at home.
On the other side of this same coin, the second category
involves a parent's fear of upsetting his/her child. No one likes
to be the target of anger, but giving children what they want
is not always in their best interest. You've heard it said that
parents are not their children's friends, they are parents. That
is true, but even if we were their friends, even friends sometimes
do the hard thing.
Children need limits and they need direction. They won't
often ask for it, but research over the past thirty years has
made it clear that children want it. Boundaries give them safety
and comfort. Stable parents who set clear limits and balance those
limits with a child's earned level of responsibility tend to have
well-adjusted children.
The third category addresses how we teach our children.
There are many ways to teach - reinforcement, modeling, reading,
discussion, lecture, and punishment. Many parents make the mistake
of limiting themselves to one or two options. I am not a big fan
of spanking, but I am equally skeptical of the parent who says,
"I will never spank" as I am the parent who says, "Children
have to be spanked."
Children are complicated beings and good training involves
using many tools in the process of mentoring them and teaching
them about life. Some methods work well with one child, but not
another and some methods work with a specific child in one situation
or at one age, but not in another situation or at another age.
A wise parent carefully matches the training tool to the child
and the context.
Finally, and maybe the biggest mistake of all, is the parent's
failure to manage his/her own life. I'm certain that most of the
children I've worked with over the past 25 years would never have
needed me if adults in their lives had their acts together. I'm
not blaming all problems on parents, but parental problems managing
anger, money, chemicals, work schedules, and marriages lead to
many of the problems that children exhibit physically, interpersonally,
and psychologically.
Parents do many wonderful things. They sacrifice their careers
and personal pleasures for their children. The set aside their
financial wishes and endure difficult marriages in order to create
stability for their children. Even troubled parents often want
to do better and they will if they can learn how to do so. Awareness
of these common mistakes can help all of us all be better parents.