I probably shouldn't admit this to you, but I went to Girl Scout day camp. No, I wasn't a teenager looking for a date. My older sister was a Girl Scout and my mother was a Girl Scout leader. Therefore, when summer day camp rolled around I had to go along. They had a separate place on the campground for those of us who came with parents. We were called "tag-alongs." We had our own program, but it was run by teenagers whose job was to keep us occupied and safe for the period of time the "real" program was going on across the lake. We were extra baggage and we knew it.
I see a lot of tag-alongs these days. They are children of parents who are so busy that they drag their children along with them, forcing them into their schedules with little regard of the effect of such a relentless routine on their developing minds and bodies. We live in a time where we perceive we need certain things and we adjust our lifestyle to fit this misperception. We live under the myth that it takes two incomes in order to make ends meet. That just is not true. I learned this from one of my students over ten years ago when I tried to use the same argument. My "student" suggested that we could adjust our lifestyle to my income rather than adjusting our income to a lifestyle we wanted. He was absolutely right. We began weaning ourselves from my wife's income and, over three years, reached the point where she could be a stay-at-home mom. We have never regretted this decision.
If we were talking face to face, some of you would be arguing with me because you do not want to deny yourself some of the luxuries you've grown accustomed to. Only you can know for sure, but allow me to make a few suggestions concerning how you treat your children so they are not tag-alongs. First, treat your children with respect. Of course, there are many issues to be considered and space does not allow me to adequately elaborate. Generally, though, are you treating your children respectfully, considering how your behavior will affect their futures, or are you subjecting your children to a series of daycare settings, babysitters, and social gatherings that are of interest to you, but not beneficial to them?
Second, I suggest you allow children to be involved in some decisions at home at a level appropriate for their ages. Where you go out to eat, where you go on vacation, and how you spend your family time are all decisions in which most children can at least minimally participate. Allowing your children to participate in decision making is empowering and also teaches them how to make decisions. Not allowing them to participate creates helplessness and they become tag-alongs.
Third, consciously evaluate how often you are selfish in your decisions and how often you sacrifice your own wants in order to meet the needs of your children. I have never spoken with anyone whose mother or father stayed home with them as they were younger who complained that they didn't have enough "stuff" because of it. On the contrary, I have experienced just the opposite. They appreciated the sacrifices their families made in order to be together.
I am not suggesting that you should cater to your child's every whim. Being a tag-along is not all bad. You should be teaching your children patience. Part of the advantage of being a tag-along was learning to wait as well as to experience fun regardless of my circumstances. I also was forced to put my personal wants away and allow my sisters to be the focus of attention. Part of Christmas or birthday celebrations involves siblings standing in the background and celebrating through another's time in the limelight.
Good parenting involves teaching life skills. Some of these skills involve tagging along. However, it is not in the child's best interest to live in an environment where he is always a tag-along. Becoming an adult involves learning to make decisions, sometimes getting your own way, and sometimes deferring to tag-along status.
(You can find Dr. Moffatt's most recent articles on the internet at www.mindspring.com/~gkm35/column.htm)
