Out Of Step
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
Working with children who have emotional problems is a challenge. Like any specialist, I see some of the most extreme cases. When everyone else has done what they can do, parents bring their children to me.
I have immeasurable compassion for these children. Not only are they emotionally defenseless and almost completely at the mercy of the adults that surround their lives, they also have few skills that we adults use to cope with life's problems and they have few problem-solving abilities to find solutions to their problems.
These are children are out of step with everyone else. They don't sit down when everyone else sits, they aren't quiet when everyone else is quiet, and they often are not as compliant as other children.
These children know they are different. Just two weeks ago, a five-year-old asked me this question about his mother: "Do you think she loves me even though I'm a bad person?" This child isn't a bad person and his mother loves him very much, but he knows his teacher has lost patience with him. He knows his mother has run out of ideas and he feels like he is always in trouble. It is hard for him to separate his behavior from his self-worth, but I'm confident he is doing the best he can.
I don't fault parents and teachers for their reactions to children like this little boy. He is very demanding and difficult in some settings and these children can be exhausting. I sometimes leave a one-hour session with children like this totally spent. I can't imagine what it must be like to have this kind of difficulty every minute of every day - to struggle with the simplest of requests. "Brush your teeth" can begin a 30-minute wrestling match of will.
On top of that, parents feel like they are failing. Parents of children like this know that other parents don't want their children to play with these kids. They recognize that some teachers, scout leaders, coaches, or church teachers are secretly relieved on days when these children don't show up for class or practice. Parents feel lonely, hopeless, and they feel like they are failing as parents.
Teachers feel like they have failed as well. In their hearts, they want to be equitable and love all children the same, but deep down, they know they don't. They fear that they have failed difficult children and they question their competence. They also wrestle with balancing the attention they would like to give these troubled kids with the limited resources they have for a class-day. They simply cannot always manage these children within a context of 20 other children in a way they would like and that unfair bind leaves them frustrated and discouraged.
So they come to me. I love them and provide a place where they are safe to be themselves. They can sing out of tune and it doesn't bother me at all. They can turn right when everyone else has turned left and yet they can still be worthy and lovable. In over two decades of practice I've never had serious trouble with any child because I have the luxury of focusing my attention on them 100% when they are with me.
My goal is to teach parents and teachers to do the same
thing within the limits of their time and energy. It can be done
and when it is, these children blossom. Many of you reading this
article can remember when it was you who felt out of step - you
were the one who believed nobody understood you and your childhood
was a lonely place. But with extra time and energy from adults
who were willing to allow you to grow toward your own sun, you
became healthy and effective doctors, teachers, mother and fathers.
Next time you see a child walking out of step, try walking beside
him and see what happens.