Carry Their Burdens
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
Brandon* was seven years old when he was referred to me through a teacher at his elementary school. He wasn't sleeping well, he seemed anxious much of the time, and he wasn't eating. This once jovial and easy going little boy had become a bundle of nerves and it showed in his face and in his behavior.
My specialty is trauma and about 75% of the children I see have experienced physical or sexual abuse or some other form of trauma. His symptoms certainly fit a trauma diagnosis, but his parents, both of them very conscientious and hard working, couldn't think of anything traumatic that had occurred in Brandon's recent history and they feared he might have been secretly abused by someone. Fortunately, that wasn't the case.
In therapy, I eventually discovered that Brandon feared his parents were divorcing. They had a very happy home and the marriage was solid. Brandon had never seen his parents argue, but late one night when they thought he was sleeping, they had a disagreement over some family bills. As best as I could determine, it wasn't heated or violent. It was simply passionate. Brandon didn't know what to do with that experience and divorce was the only thing he could think of as an eventual outcome for the "fighting" that he heard.
With his parents in the room, I asked them about their marriage and whether or not they had any plans for divorce. Brandon quickly glanced their way with a worried look. They smiled, hugged each other, and said, "No, of course not!" Brandon literally breathed an audible sigh of relief.They gave each other a short kiss and Brandon climbed comfortably up into his father's lap. That was the end of his symptoms.
Children believe that what is happening to them is happening for the first time in history and nobody can really understand what it's like to be them. Counselors and psychologists help normalize life by helping children realize they are not alone. We get paid a lot of money to do that, but parents can sometimes do it better if they know how.
If Brandon had felt safe telling his fears to his mother or father, they would never have needed me. For the most part, I considered them very good parents, but they made one big mistake that led to Brandon's troubles. They failed to create an environment where he felt free to talk to them. Open channels of communication do not happen by accident.
A child has to be certain of several things before he will share his thoughts and fears. He has to know he won't be laughed at or belittled. Have you ever told someone something that was worrying you and they responded with an attitude that communicated it was no big deal? It obviously was a big deal to you. That's why you were worried. When children share their fears or concerns with me, I meet their comments with empathy. "That sounds scary" or "I can see why that worries you."
I turned the corner with Brandon when he confided his fear about his parents divorcing. I was fairly certain this wasn't the case, but I didn't tell him that. I let him express himself and I said, "I can see why you are afraid. Let's talk to mom and dad and see what's up." I let his parents convince him they weren't divorcing. Listening to him made that possible.
Second, a child has to be assured that he isn't weird, crazy, or stupid. "Lots of kids worry about their parents divorcing. That's pretty normal and I understand," I said to Brandon. This comment doesn't downplay the significance to Brandon, but it lets him know he isn't alone.
Finally, children need help carrying the burdens that trouble them. Children are often ready to let go of their troubles once they are assured that everything will be OK. We reached that point when his parents smiled, kissed and told Brandon they had no intention of divorcing. He let go and let them carry the troubles of their family finances.
Most parents are more than willing to help children with their troubles, but we can never get to that point unless we are good listeners. Listen to them often. Remember what it was like to be little and how some problems seemed so big that they couldn't be resolved. With patience and empathy, we can help our children carry the burdens that worry them.
*Not his real name.