I believe that most parents want their children to grow up to be respectable, hard working, and moral in their choices and behavior. I'm amazed at the surprise in parents who do little to cultivate these traits in their children and then find their children, as teenagers, in trouble at school, with the law, pregnant, or engaging in the use of drugs. We assume a cause-effect relationship in most things in our lives. I believe that one exists between the way we engage our children and what they become. This seems so evident I'm almost embarrassed to write an article about it, but enough parents have argued with me about this that I know that some of them don't see the connection between their behaviors and the behaviors of their children.
I wish I had a dime for every seminar at which I spoke on parenting issues when someone argued with me that the parenting practices I recommend "don't guarantee anything." Of course they don't. These arguments generally come from one of two sources. The first source is the family where children have, indeed, elected to violate a lifestyle that their parents have attempted, in good faith, to teach. My heart goes out to this group because they have tried their best. Children have free will and can choose their own path regardless of how hard one tries to teach them to do the right thing. Just as children can turn out to be decent human beings despite their irresponsible parents, children can choose to be irresponsible despite the teachings of their responsible parents.
The second source includes parents who are looking for a reason to excuse the irresponsible approach they have to their children. They do whatever they want with their time and resources regardless of the impact on their children. They invest more energy in their work, toys, and recreation than they do their children. They then blame society, circumstances, or individual choice, for the situation in which their children find themselves.
I find it interesting that the arguments from those who say that working hard at being a good parent doesn't guarantee anything are often business men and women who spend millions of corporate dollars on advertising campaigns, personnel development, and marketing research. These practices don't guarantee anything, either, but they don't see anything wrong with it. They consider this good business sense. The reason that this is good business is it increases the probability of a company's success.
I suggest that good parenting increases the probability of success. It doesn't guarantee success, but it makes it more likely. I work harder at being a father than anything else I do. Yet I know that my three children could all grow up and live lives differently than they have been taught. My daughters could make bad decisions, get pregnant out of wedlock, or choose other unproductive courses for their lives. My son could choose to rob banks, use drugs, or stray from the faith we try to teach in our home. The best I can do is train them in the proper way to live and hope that it "sticks." This training, though, is more complicated than setting and enforcing rules. It involves a lifestyle of mentoring children. Every event is a potential teaching tool. Every argument is a part of this training. Every evening walk or conversation in the car is a chance to teach.
I tenaciously cling to the belief that after 20 years of training, mentoring, and teaching my children there is a high probability that they will chose to live as they have been taught. This theorem holds true in every other form of education; therefore, it is logical to suppose it will in parenting.
There is no doubt whatsoever that being a parent is the most important job in the world. You have the chance to influence the lives of your children more than anyone else ever could. For this reason, I suggest that we take it seriously. This doesn't mean parenting cannot be fun, but it takes effort. Work hard at it.
