New Teaching Tools
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
"I keep spanking him, but my son keeps doing the thing that I tell him not to do," a mom recently told me. I've heard this many times. Like this woman, many parents tell me what they do to "discipline" their children, but nothing improves. How many parents have found themselves in this very position? You punish and you punish, but the child still keeps doing the thing you told him not to do.
There is a fundamental problem with conversations like this. Parents are basically telling me that they are doing something that doesn't work and yet they keep doing it. It reminds me of something I've often seen overseas. Americans try to speak in English to people who do not speak English. When the hearer doesn't understand, the American just says the same thing again in English - only louder. It is still not working because the person still doesn't speak English - no matter how loud it is said.
Doing more of what doesn't work won't make it work. The problem that many parents have is that they only have two or three things that they choose from when they try to teach their children proper behavior. Interestingly, the word "discipline" comes from the Latin word "disciplinare" which means "to teach." It doesn't mean, as many people think, "to punish." Punishment is just one form of teaching.
I think of teaching tools like tools a mechanic might use to work on a car. Most mechanics have very large tool boxes with hundreds of tools. They pick the right tool for the right job. Good teaching is the same. It involves picking the right teaching tool for the right situation, at the right time, and for the right child. The more tools you have for teaching your children, the more effective you can be.
As you think about that frustrating child for whom nothing seems to work, try the following steps in auditing your toolbox. Some basic tools help me as I try to help parents when they describe situations like this.
First, ask yourself if the thing that frustrates you is even worth the argument. I once watched a Kindergarten teacher stand in the hallway ready for lunch with a line of twenty five-year-olds. For almost five minutes she continually tried to get them to stand in a perfect line. As she would "fix" one end, the other would mess up and vise versa. She gave me a frustrated shrug as if to say, "They just won't cooperate." They were basically in a good line to begin with and there was no reason the line had to be perfect. This teacher unnecessarily created her own troubles.
Next, ask yourself if your teaching tool is working. Does the behavior change? If it isn't working, doing more of what doesn't work probably won't work any better. If it isn't working, pick something else from your toolbox. Reinforcement is always preferable over punishment, but it is ok to use both. Behavioral principles always work - even with pigeons - and your child is much more intelligent than a pigeon.
Give your child choices when you can. Even with very young children, a choice might be all you need to settle an argument, calm a tantrum, or prevent a melt-down. "Would you like to do your homework in the kitchen or in the dining room?" "Would it be better to run the bathwater fast or slow?" "Would you like to wash your face or brush your teeth first?"
Finally, notice when your child is doing it right. Through thirteen years of graduate school and four years of internship and residency, I was constantly supervised. Rarely was I told what I did right, but my mistakes were always noted. It can be defeating, even for an adult, when all anyone notices is one's failures. "I'm noticing that you brushed your teeth the very first time I asked you! I'm so proud of you. That is what grown-ups do!" These can be very powerful reinforcers.
When these simple steps become habit, you will find your
times of frustration fewer and farther between.