When I was in grade school, there was a young boy in my third-grade class who was much larger than the rest of us. He had been held back two years so his physical development was well beyond the other third graders in his class. Not only was he large, but he was also a bully. It wasn't unusual for him to pick a fight with me after school. When that happened, my sisters would rush home and get my mother who would come to my rescue. One day, my classmate cornered me just beyond the schoolyard. In desperation, I swung my metal lunchbox in an attempt to protect myself. The lunchbox hit him in the chin and I escaped. He never picked on me again.
You no doubt remember the little poem that most of us were taught in childhood that says, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me." Learning this poem was supposed to teach us that we should ignore what people say because their words have no power to harm us. While this might be a good strategy for coping with painful words, it isn't true.
Words are very powerful and, like my metal lunchbox on my classmate's chin, they can leave an indelible impression. When they are used correctly, they can encourage and strengthen egos, as well as to goad one toward productive behaviors. When they are used carelessly, they can slay the spirit of a person, leaving wounds from which one may never fully recover.
We cannot insulate ourselves from all painful words, but we can work hard to be responsible with the words we use. When working with the children in my practice, I can often motivate them to engage in constructive behaviors, or to disengage from destructive behaviors, simply with words. They often seek my praise and fear my disappointment in them. Seeking simple words like "I'm proud of you" can be all the motivation my clients need to work toward a goal. Likewise, I may tell a client that I am disappointed in his or her behavior, knowing that these words will create regret and motivate him or her toward change. So much more is this true with parents. A well-timed encouraging comment can be a powerful constructive force while thoughtless criticism can be incredibly destructive.
I encourage parents to think carefully about how they use both praise and criticism. We are responsible to correct and modify the behavior of our children; therefore, I am not suggesting that we don't criticize. How we do it is what makes the difference. At times, I want my children to know that they have disappointed me. Shame and guilt are motivators for productive behavior. Yet, just as I would very carefully use a chain saw or some other power tool, I use critical words very carefully. I also look for opportunities to praise and encourage, knowing that well-placed and thoughtful positive words can be equally powerful motivators for good behavior.
My classmate probably still carries a scar on his chin where I hit him with my lunchbox. Undoubtedly, it has faded, but he surely vividly recalls the day when he received that wound and I would guess he may, at some level, still feel badly about that humiliating experience. Likewise, painful words leave emotional scars that are vivid reminders to the recipients. Over the years, the scars may fade, but they are always there. Thoughtful use of words can prevent such wounds and will build up instead of destroy.
