Few topics make parents more nervous than sex education, sexual development, and the sexual behavior of their children. While there are a few sexual behaviors that are highly abnormal in teens (i.e. rape), there is a broad spectrum of behaviors that are not unusual. Parents need to bear in mind that children do not inherently know how to deal with the powerful sexual drives that are not uncommon in adolescence. Just as we must teach our children how to manage their tempers and other emotions, parents also need to teach their children to handle their sexual lives responsibly.
With the onset of sexual maturation, early adolescent children will experience an awakening of sexual interest. Although the level of interest greatly varies from one child to another, sexual interest can be intense throughout adolescence. Sexual energies are undifferentiated during this stage of life, which means that a child's sexual energies could easily be directed into any of a number of areas - autoerotic behavior, incestuous sexual play, homosexual behavior, and pornography, as well as heterosexual behavior. Even though some of these behaviors may be undesirable, they are not unusual.
Likewise, sexual foreplay between adolescents is not uncommon. The wise parent is one who will control his or her temper, address the behavior, and use the situation to teach sexual conduct that is consistent with the family's belief system. A response from a parent that is too punitive will only ensure that the child will NOT come to the parent to discuss the sexual urges that are an inevitable part of growing up. Instead they will be more likely to seek advice from their equally inexperienced and misinformed peers.
Sexual play between siblings is not uncommon, but it may be illegal - especially if one child is several years older than the other. This type of sex play can easily become forced and may indicate disturbance in the older child. All incestuous sexual play should be addressed with the children involved and parents should consider the possible need for professional intervention with a child therapist. Addressing sexual dysfunction in adolescence greatly reduces the likelihood of sexually inappropriate behavior in adulthood (i.e. rape, molestation).
While adolescents need less supervision than younger children, appropriate parental supervision and guidance can help alleviate some problems. Parents must also be cautious in how he or she addresses sexual behavior with a child. A child's sexual curiosity and energy must be understood and properly channeled, not squelched. Sexual urges, like most things, are not inherently bad. These urges can be directed in either a healthy or unhealthy way.
A study done in 2002 demonstrated that a young man's sexual behavior is affected more by conversations about sex with fathers than by conversations with mothers.* This same study of over 2000 subjects (parent-child pairs) showed a correlation between higher education of parents and female's delaying sexual behavior. Also correlated with delayed sexual debut in females were good relationships between mother and daughter, good communication between mother and daughter about the child's friends, and strong disapproval by the mother of the daughter having sex. It was also interesting that this study disclosed that many parents of sexually active teens were unaware of the child's sexual behavior.
In summary, good relationships between parent and child opens channels of communication and enhances the probability that your children will maintain behaviors consistent with your family's moral position. If you are unsure how to address your child's sexual behavior, seek counsel from a therapist, pediatrician, or other expert in child development who can help you put the behavior in perspective and who can also provide insight as to how to address this important issue with your child.
(Dr. Moffatt is a child therapist in private practice, author of "The Parenting Journey" and professor of psychology at Atlanta Christian College.)
*McNeely, C., Shew, M.L., Beuhring, T., Sieving, R., Miller, B.C., & Blum, R.W. (September, 2002). Mother's influence on the timing of first sex among 14- and 15-year-olds. Journal of Adolescent Health, 31, 256-265.
