A friend stopped me one day and asked me about his teen-age daughter. It seems that she had started to question his authority and rebel against his wife. He was frustrated with the changing moods of his daughter. One day she would seem to be an adult and the next day she would be rebellious and communicating with her was difficult.
From the very earliest years, children begin to question the authority of their parents. One of the first words children learn is "no." Two-year-olds test nearly every boundary as they become mobile and begin to understand what is off-limits. However, the most significant challenge to the authority of one's parents comes during adolescence. Children shift their focus from parents to peers. Children are much more concerned and aware that other parents do things differently. Even more difficult for them to understand is how some parents can allow things of their children that is in opposition to what they have always been taught.
In early adolescence children are moving away from dependent thinking and into independent thinking. This is a natural part of development. Unless a person begins to question what he has been taught, he will never learn to think independently. Arguments with children at this age are often the result of the child trying to understand where he fits in the adult world and what he thinks. The process is necessary and desirable. The challenge for parents is to see adolescence as a time to help their children learn to think for themselves. How can parents do this?
First of all, parents need to understand that the foundation for independent thinking is built during the decade preceding adolescence. Children don't simply become incorrigible overnight as they turn thirteen. Parents should prepare themselves to let go of the reins a little. As children become get older, they should be given more responsibility. This requires more accountability as well. Allow the child to make mistakes while she is still under your roof where you can use mistakes to teach. Parents who teach their children to make decision appropriate to their ages throughout childhood have fewer problems during adolescence.
Second, parents need to be patient. Mood changes can be the result of increased hormone levels that are a normal part of puberty as well as stress. More adultlike responsibilities create some level of stress in a world where children have little control. It is known that when one has responsibility, but little control, stress increases.
Third, parents should be consistent. Knowing what to expect at home is a comfort to an adolescent. Parents are not, and should not be, the child's buddy. The parent establishes the harbor from a confusing world of contradictions by remaining consistent in beliefs, moral standing, and behavior. The parent's role changes from guardian to advisor as children become adults, but never to buddy.
Finally, parents should expect that their adolescents will begin to question rules and morals they have been taught. It is not unusual for teens to experiment with smoking, drinking, use of profanity and other "adult" behaviors as they try to find their place in the adult world. How far they go with these unhealthy and unproductive behaviors will, in part, be determined by the parent's response to them.
Mark Twain once said that as children reach adolescence they should be put in a barrel and fed through a hole. At sixteen, he said, the hole should be plugged up. I believe that adolescence does not have to be a period of continual turmoil if parents do their part to prepare their children for adulthood and to ease the transition to adolescence.
