By now, most of us have completed our summer vacations and we are back into the swing of things with school, athletics, and other childhood activities that make up our fall routine. I wrote this column in a hotel room as my family and I wrapped up our last day of a three-day trip to the beach. At dinner the night before, I asked my family what I should write about for my column this month. They gave me many good suggestions, but I especially liked my eldest daughter's suggestion. At sixteen and a newly licensed driver, she said, "Freedom."
"What about freedom," I asked her.
"About how parents should give their teenagers freedom," she said with a smile.
"How much freedom is enough?" I asked.
She thought about this question for a moment and she then gave a very good answer.
"How much freedom have I earned?"
I thought a lot about her comments. Her answer was one that I probably would have given myself if the question had been directed to me by a parent. Indeed, my daughter has earned a lot. She has never betrayed my trust and I have total confidence in the fact that she will do what she says she will do, she will be where she says she will be, and she will do what I ask her to do. For example, when she is out with her friends, even if she is only going to be a few minutes later than she said, she calls to let us know even if we haven't asked her to do so. She knows that we would worry about her being out in the car on her own. Many teens wouldn't do that even if their parents asked them to, not to mention doing it on their own. In fact, that kind of self-directed thoughtfulness is something that many marriages lack.
Consequently, we do give her a lot of freedom, but there is one more issue that needs to be considered as my wife and I decide how much freedom she should have. Even though she is exceptionally responsible, she is still only sixteen years old.
How much freedom you give your teen is not based only on how responsible your teen is, although that is probably one of the most important factors. One must also consider the child's age. Even though my child is an extremely bright and level-headed sixteen-year-old, her knowledge about the world still is limited.
Consider this analogy. A five-year-old has no ability to foresee the dangers of walking out into the road without looking. Therefore, a parent must take total responsibility for protecting a child of this age from these dangers. At sixteen, my daughter can easily understand the dangers of walking out into the road without looking, but there are still dangers in the world that she does not yet fully comprehend.
For example, there are predators in the world who appreciate nothing more than a naïve teen. Rapists and other predators hone the skill of earning the trust of their victims. At sixteen, my daughter has no way to know the many things that she might accidentally do that would help a predator take advantage of her. If she wants to stay out later than normal or go to a party in a risky place or at a risky time, she only thinks about the fact that she wants to be with her friends and she has only a limited ability to see the dangers that behavior might present.
As a parent, I am looking down the road both directions and I can see the potential danger in those behaviors. I must weigh the risks as I decide whether to agree to her request. This doesn't mean she can't cross the road, to use the metaphor, but it means I have to check the road for her. It also means that I need to teach her how to check for traffic, as well.
If I say "no" to some request, she may be angry with me because she doesn't see that I'm trying to protect her and she sees little need for "protection" just a the five-year-old might resent being held at the curb. The older she gets, even if she doesn't agree with my decisions, she will recognize that my refusal to allow something was not a decision made to make her life miserable or a reflection of mistrust, but rather it was a decision made to protect her.
A responsible child should have more freedom as she earns that freedom, but the responsible parent will also recognize that the world still holds many hazards. Part of the parent's job these last few years that a teenager is at home is understanding that even the most responsible and mature young person still has a lot to learn about the world.
(Dr. Moffatt is a child therapist in private practice, author of "The Parenting Journey" and professor of psychology at Atlanta Christian College.)
