We experienced something new to our family this summer when our beloved dog Kisses was hit by a car and died. Our beagle had been with us for several years and we had raised him since he was a tiny puppy, small enough to hold in my hand.
I loved our dog as much as my children did. Even though I wished that the dog had not died, it provided an opportunity for my children to learn something about the world in which they live. My children have not yet experienced the death of a close relative or friend. The death of our dog allowed them to experience for the first time the permanence of death and the deep sadness that one feels when something valuable is lost. Understanding that death is part of our existence is a very important lesson.
I would suggest that there are several things you should do when you lose a pet. First, a child's perspective on death is dependent upon his or her development. My son, for example, at two-years of age, is incapable of understanding death. For him, the explanation "Kisses went bye-bye" was all he could understand. He is so young that he will soon forget about the dog. My seven-year-old and eleven-year-old, however, have the cognitive capability for understanding death and the fact that our deceased pet will not be returning. Based on that perspective, I explained in more detail what happened and I answered their many questions.
A second important thing is to allow the child to express grief. Grief is normal. To say that one should not feel bad is unfair to anyone who is experiencing a loss. You feel what you feel. Telling someone not to feel bad is an attempt to deal with your own discomfort or to deal with the grief you see in the person you are trying to comfort, but it does not work. I explained to both my daughters as they were crying that I, too, felt bad and would miss our dog very much. I let them know there was nothing wrong with missing something that you have loved.
A third suggestion is to help the child to say goodbye. As adults, we have elaborate rituals for saying goodbye to a loved one who has died. We have viewing, visitation, funerals, graveside services, and so forth. I buried the dog before they could see his injuries, but we worked together to mark his grave with stones. We also constructed a small "headstone" for the dog and conducted funeral. At our small memorial, we each told one thing we would miss about the dog. That validated our grief. However, in order not dwell on our grief, we each told something about our dog that always made us happy. We sang a song and we each said a short prayer. I let my girls know they could visit Kisses' grave any time they would like.
Finally, teach your child to move ahead. Even though I experienced a hesitancy to mention the dog or to address comments from my children about the dog because I did not want them to feel bad, I still answered most of their questions. But I also tried to provide a positive outlook on the situation and teach them how to get beyond their grief. For example, my middle daughter was very inquisitive about the injuries our dog suffered. I told her that hearing about some details like those regarding his injuries would probably only make her feel bad, as it would for most adults, but I told her that Kisses had not suffered and that was what mattered. Reminding her of the happy things we talked about at his memorial, I suggested that even though it was sad losing our dog, I am very glad we had him as long as we did. It was wonderful having a dog and I looked forward to another pet one day, even though we could never replace our beagle.
I would not want our pet to die just to teach my children life's lessons, but when it happened, it provided the perfect opportunity for me to teach them about grief, loss, death, and recovery.
