My friend Maurice said something to me a few weeks ago that reminded me of something very important. We don't give good kids enough praise. There is so much going on in our culture that is shameful, discouraging, or frightening. Teenagers perpetrate many crimes and tragic events that occupy the headlines of the news media. In fact, people under the age of 25 commit most violent crime.
We see young people driving recklessly and dying in automobile accidents. They are caught drinking at parties and arrested for bashing mailboxes. In our own county, groups of teenagers have been arrested for fighting. Yet what we sometimes fail to realize is how many great kids there are who never get into any trouble.
Young people who are causing problems get our attention at home, at church and at school. The sheriff's department could probably identify several teenagers by name in our county that are repeatedly arrested or suspected of illegal behaviors. Yet how do we reward the kids who are doing well?
Some high schools identify the "athlete of the week" or some other special position of honor in the system, but that isn't what I'm talking about. I am glad there are good athletes, but how do we identify and praise the young people who are studying hard, assisting in community service, active in their churches, or simply staying out of trouble because they are nice people? Even though I work with troubled children for a living, the list of good kids I know would be longer than my list of troubled kids. I wish space would allow me to list all of the good kids that I know.
In my clinical practice, I see children who have committed crimes against property and persons. They are sometimes difficult children and they are not always pleasant to be around. However, much of the week outside of my practice, I am also around children of various ages who give their parents and teachers almost no trouble at all. There are many young people who listen to their parents, do their homework, work hard at part-time jobs, and keep out of trouble. Most of these kids do not steal, lie, or vandalize the property of others. They are respectful to their elders, teachers and parents and they serve their community and world in productive ways. They have noble, long-range goals and they are working hard to reach those goals.
It is unfortunate that we do not invest more energy in noticing those who are doing right. I try to regularly use praise with my own children. I was watching my eldest daughter with her friends the other day and another parent said to me, "Do you worry about her as she approaches adolescence?" I know that my daughter could make bad decisions and I want the best for her, but I really don't worry. I know she is a good child and I trust her. She has never given me any reason not to. I try to make sure she knows how proud I am of her.
I look for times when my children are working hard at their home duties, school work, or some other productive behavior and I praise them for it. "I'm noticing that you have been especially polite to mom these last few days," I might say to one of my children. Unfortunately, it is easiest to ignore our children when there are no problems and then to give them plenty of attention when they have messed up. In summary, my suggestion to you is to look for ways to catch your children or your students being good. Thanks for the reminder, Maurice!
