Powerful Touch
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
About ten years ago while I was attending a seminar for child therapists, the presenter fielded questions and entertained comments. Someone brought up the issue of touching one's clients. "I never EVER touch any client," one lady said. Nods and words of agreement from others followed. After several other similar comments I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I said, "If you choose never to touch your clients, you probably will be safe from any hint of impropriety, but you will also cheat your clients and your practice of one of the most powerful tools you have at your disposal."
I expected scowls and sneers from the 400 or so professionals in the room, but strangely my comment seemed to change the whole direction of the conversation. One after another, people noted how they had carefully used appropriate touch to bring healing, change, comfort and many other beneficial outcomes to their clients.
These past few decades have led to a major change in our culture. The number of reported cases of abuse today is far beyond what it was twenty years ago in part because people know what to look for. People who routinely work with children are trained to look for signs of abuse in children and in behaviors they observe between adults and children. Even laymen have become acutely aware of various forms of abuse. For the most part, this has been a very good change.
However, along with this change came the possibility of being sued for abuse or, even worse, charged with a crime and jailed stemming from allegations of abuse. This change has led many professionals who work with children (teachers, psychologists, etc.) to completely back away and, like some of my colleagues from the seminar, never ever touch children in any way. This is a tragic shift. Children long to be touched - as do the rest of us.
Humans are social creatures. We have an innate need to interact with others. Just sit and watch friends interact at a shopping mall or at a ball game. Count how many times they touch each other. They will rub shoulders, touch hands, bump elbows, "hi-five," lean into each other, and if they are close enough in friendship, they may even snuggle, kiss, or hug. Even at our very first introduction to someone new we touch when we shake hands. While not all cultures around the world shake hands, almost every culture has customs for appropriately touching at a first meeting - everything from a handshake to kissing.
Touch is essential to our existence. The difference between good touch and bad touch is timing, place of touch, context, and purpose. Obviously touching someone at the wrong time or in an inappropriate way could get you slapped. Even when spouses touch in the wrong way and/or in the wrong context it could be embarrassing and awkward. Likewise, the purpose of the touch makes a difference. Touch that communicates giving is better than touch that communicates taking. Hugging a crying child who has hurt his knee because he needs to know you are there to help is a giving touch. Molestation and rape are "taking" touches. Also, "taking" touches often violate cultural rules of timing, place of touch, and context.
Touch can communicate many messages. Some touch says, "Listen to me." Other touch says, "I care" or "I'm proud of you." Other types of touch almost seem to whisper, "You are not alone." Touch between intimate partners, even a touch of the hair, can communicate, "I love you."
In therapy, I use touch carefully. I never touch just because I want to and, of course, I never touch in any provocative or sexual way. I only use touch if it is appropriate, but a proper touch in the proper place at the appropriate time can be far more healing than words. Even more important than my use of touch is teaching parents how to touch their own children in appropriate ways. I have used formal instruction on touching with parents for several years and I am amazed at the number of issues that can be addressed with this simple practice.
Children touch freely and naturally. It isn't until they are conditioned to do otherwise that they change. Unfortunately, it is then that they join the ranks of adults who desire to be touched, but don't know the proper way to ask for it. The next time your child or your spouse is having a rough time over something, try this. Just say, "Come stand by me" and lovingly hold them. No words will be necessary between either of you.